shifting perspective.

Last week I had a conversation with my Babalawo Ifakolade, his words offered me so much insight into my current state of being. I have been feeling pretty stagnant and frustrated that things are not moving at my preferred pace. I have felt like I am in dire need of a breakthrough. Something to happen, occur, click that would shift my current reality and allow or make way for my imagined reality. He quickly told me that I am not living in the present, that what I am up against is not stagnancy but an insatiable appetite. He was spot on; it had not been something that I was paying attention to, it was more so running rampant in the background of my daily occurrences. I can be such a bulldozer, forging my way through to accomplish what it is I want — complaining endlessly when my perceived needs are not met in the exact way I want. There is nothing wrong with it. There is, however, an extreme lack of gratitude and appreciation for the present when I am always fixated on the future. Mostly, it inhibits me from manifesting the very things I say I want most. Misplaced energy. I complained about my financial reality, so he asks if I had been making my mortgage payments, I said I was. Turns out I am not actually in financial doom. He asked me when I bought my house, and I said June. He asked if I had done anything to celebrate the accomplishment, I have not intentionally carved out space and time to celebrate my home… just a small example of my reality. I will celebrate when I do more, so virtually nothing is ever good enough, ripe enough, just right enough for me to be. Be happy. Be proud. Just be…
The other insight I gained from the conversation, I am aware of the government shutdown, so I began to anticipate what it would be like if such a thing would happen to me. If I were without income would I be ok, and for how long? I did not ask these questions in reality; I did not ask them while looking at my accounts and making plans. Instead, I subconsciously created so much angst and anxiety around this imaginative ‘what if.’ Eventually and seemingly all of a sudden I am stressed about money. I am stressed about my financial landscape. I am overwhelmed. If these thoughts would have continued uninterrupted, I could almost guarantee I would have gotten physically ill because physical manifestation of stress and worry is a real thing. I am this way in relationships. I am this way at work. I am this way all over the place.
I choose not to make myself wrong about it. I prefer to be gentle with myself as I sit in these new insights. I have sat with it for a few days and what I offered myself as a substitute is a new and consistent ritual. One where I end my days with a forgiveness exercise and I begin my days with a gratitude exercise.
It’s only been a few days, and I do feel a difference in my ability to focus and root myself in the present. I have been ending my evenings reading Psalm 25 and journaling as a way to release any negative thoughts or feelings that may have surfaced throughout the day. I forgive myself for things I said I would do and did not do. I forgive myself for actions and thoughts that were not aligned with my promises to myself. In the morning, along with my cup of tea, I have been reading Psalm 30 and Psalm 37 both assisting me to rid my heart of faultfinding and allowing me space for gratitude as I begin my day. It’s working wonders. The operative word here is work. We must put in the work to release all that no longer serves us, or it takes control and runs the show from the subconscious.
If I have not told you lately, I appreciate you.