pause.

Hi, Happy 2020.
Is it me, or does January seem to overstay its welcome, always? So much excitement for the fresh new start, the turn of a new year– goals, intentions, resolutions– then midway through the year, or so it seems. The 74th day of January or so it feels. It’s like, wait, how is it still January. Bye. I found myself telling a story and referencing the time frame as the beginning of the year; this was maybe January 12th. Ok, so that was all context on the magnitude of thoughts flowing through me as I attempt to capture the feelings that dominated this year, I mean month.

January has managed to ground me in the necessity of pausing.
Pause (n.) a temporary stop or rest, especially in speech or action.
I think we are all wired to do, be, go, faster, harder, further. As I settle into who I am and how I most naturally navigate life, I am allowing myself to become a more vocal advocate of the pause — Rest, intermission, gap, chill. It’s such an integral part of our health, wellness, and development. While it may not always be celebrated, considered, or even applied. The truth is, we are unable to regenerate without it.

I am a highly sensitive, highly intuitive, highly empathic soul. I have known this about myself for all of my life. I do not know that I’ve ever embraced it. Reality never seemed to soften any of my blows. Feeling so immensely never seemed to bring solace to any of my pain. Genuinely caring does not shield me from betrayal. Honesty has not always begotten honesty. So in summation, life sort of taught me early on to toughen up. Mostly for me, that showed up as pushing through. People would always encourage having ‘thick skin’ or whatever that meant. I was born with the moon stationed in Pisces, so perhaps I was just wired differently. Yet somehow, I learned to normalize things that are quite sadistic when observed during a pause.

In the wake of the tragedy that shook us all to our core– Kobe Bryant, Gigi Bryant, and the seven other lives that were lost, I find that empathy does not elude us. We are grieving the fragility of life. We are grappling with death, with time, with purpose, and ultimately with what matters. I’ve read many tributes and watched many videos honoring the life of a legend. There was one line that painted such a painful and real reality. It came from Carmelo Anthony, “The times I have the most to say are the times that I can’t talk. I’m screaming inside, but I can’t be heard.” I wonder how many others can relate to such an isolating and helpless feeling.

It feels unfortunate that we’ve become so accustomed to having to comment and share our thoughts and sentiments so soon, to report out so fast. Life does not stop, until it does. the world may not stop turning, and we can pause. In fact, it is a personal responsibility that we owe to ourselves. We can rest. We can reflect. We must in order to regenerate. When I learned of this incident I felt a shock reverbating through my entire body. I cannot begin to imagine what that shock felt like for the families, friends, and colleagues of those that in a fleeting moment transitioned from this realm.

My prayer is for their souls to transition well and for their loved ones to be granted a peace that transcends all understanding.

Thanks to evolution, growth, and a journey toward self-mastery, I have this newfound commitment to prioritizing myself and my healing in unorthodox ways. One of those ways has been to become unapologetic about my pause. I am regenerating.

The themes that dominated my month include, Change+Intuition+Uncertainty. Loss+Grief. Rest+Reflection+Regeneration.
Radical Forgiveness+Acceptance+Disillusionment. Stability+Adventure+Freedom. I may write about these themes in more detail when the Spirit moves me.

In the interim I will be praying for the souls that transitioned this month and for their families: Handy McKnight. Tamika West. Chris Doleman. Kobe Bryant. Gianna Bryant. John Altobelli. Keri Altobelli. Alyssa Altobelli. Sarah Chester. Peyton Chester. Christina Mauser. Ara Zobayan. Ase. Ase. Ase.