victory lap.

I decided to take a break from social media. I already knew that it was time to take a break, I’ve become so dependent on social media for everything–news, catching up/keeping up with friends, jokes, something to do in my idle time, or time when I should be doing something else I said I would do. I fully committed to taking a break the night of Nipsey Hussle’s death. In a moment I missed the old news cycle, when there were gatekeepers– do you remember when we consumed our news at a particular time that we chose– maybe you read the morning paper to find out what happened the evening before or you tuned in to your local news to find out what happened throughout the day. For a moment I missed pre-social media, pre-smartphone days. I was having a peaceful Sunday and then BOOM. I am literally bombarded with images of Nipsey laying on the ground in what seems to be a pool of his blood pouring from his head.

Not only was it too much, but it was also unexpected. I was caught off guard and deeply saddened by the news, heartbroken. My mind went immediately to his lover, the mothers of his children having to explain something so cold, so senseless, so heartbreaking, so permanent to their children, his children. I wondered if they too saw these images and videos carelessly floating around social media. My mind then went to my brothers, who I always think of in times like these. I felt hopeless. I felt sad. I felt overcome with emotion. I felt sucked in. I scrolled and scrolled, every single post was in memory of Nipsey. I read the messages, and I felt them deeply. Then I went to my settings, and I logged out of Instagram, then I went and logged out of Facebook. I turned on my binaural beats, and I attempted to sleep. Instead, I tossed and turned. Vivid dreams awakened me, almost immediately escaping my memory. I spent a few minutes pondering the impact of social media on our mental health, and finally, I drifted off to sleep.

I haven’t logged back in yet, just these few days without and I noticed an increase in my productivity. I feel happier and more at peace. I won’t go as far as saying it’s because of social media or the lack thereof at all. I think it’s more so intentionally and consciously setting goals, remaining focused on them without distraction, and paying attention to myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my progress without much insight into what others may have going on in their daily lives. I’ve been focusing my energy on my work as a birth doula. I caught up with two of my mama glow doula sisters here in Atlanta. I’m holding space for a much-anticipated birth this month with an amazing mom! Spending time with her on hospital tours and home visits have been delightful. I’ve been reading and studying my materials. I read ‘Orgasmic Birth’ one of the books on my required reading list, it was such an inspiring read on the sacred nature of birth and the correlation between sex and birth. I’ve been meeting with my doula partner and ideating with her. Our ideation sessions are healing. So much so that I’m so clear that I am going through my own rebirth at present. This process has reminded me that there’s only one way out of the birth canal, and that’s through. There’s no turning back or changing your mind once you’re in that birth canal, and the more you resist, the more discomfort will persist. I’ve been uncomfortable, and the discomfort is very telling, it points me right to what I am resisting. I have been resisting the work necessary to accomplish and fulfill on the things in my life that are not linear, the things that are not easy to grasp or understand, the things that do not have clear steps because I am literally creating as I go. Not surprisingly, they also happen to be the things that mean the most to me.

My time is warped. Some days feel like a week and one week feels like a month. I am being. I am allowing. I am grateful. I am worshipping. I feed my Ori. I am flowing. I am learning to enjoy the bends and the curves. I am learning to accept the unknown. I am learning to be at ease with death; change is death. I’m untethered. I am weight training and eating my meals and laughing often. I am surrendering to what this experience is teaching me– an affirmation I say every morning that I got from my BFF Sarah Jakes Roberts, who by the way deserves her own post because she has been the soundtrack of my days. Her words move through me with such force. Her words anchor me and remind me exactly who I am. I’m sharing one of my favorite sermons to inspire you in this season, EVERYTHING MUST GO!

this here is the victory lap.
power to Nipsey.
brb. + l.o.v.e to y.o.u!p.s. i took this photo on a walk to my favorite little hiding place in midtown near my job; it’s the most beautiful garden. I go there to breathe, to talk, to recalibrate and sometimes to cry 🙂
p.p.s. so now you know I think I’m a whole photographer.